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Disinfectant World

Welcome to Disinfectant World.  Here, all of your rational perceptions of microorganisms are wrong.  This is a land of danger, of intrigue, a land where no dropped morsel is safe from swarms of inch-wide, bright green bacteria.  Enter at your own risk, mister.  It might change the way you think.

How to Survive in Disinfectant World

You've seen already how Disinfectant World drastically differs from reality.  You've seen how dangerous it is merely to exist in this realm, and you are, of course, scared witless.  I'm here to restore those wits.

Air

The best course of action, not breathing, is obviously fundamentally flawed.  How irritating. So, we must take the next best course of action: Don't actually breathe the ambient air.  Granted, your body has successfully dealt with whatever it's been sucking in for the past x years, but why take chances? Immediately equip yourself with a dust or surgical mask until you can acquire a CBR mask or a breathing apparatus.  Consider injecting disinfectant into your air tank to ensure that your air has nothing dangerous living in it.  This will also serve the purpose of clearing your lungs of any dangerous nasties.  What's that, you're fine? Haven't got any dangerous nasties in your lungs? Better safe than sorry, I say.

Remember, use the buddy system.  If your buddy's mouthpiece is not secured, you are wrong.  If your mouthpiece is not secured, your buddy is wrong, and should be punished by being made to breathe ambient air while you enjoy clean air from both of your tanks.  Don't worry, it's for a greater good.  You and everyone around can use your buddy as a toxicity indicator.  The gauge reads from Safe (extremely rare) to Sneeze (highly toxic; don't even think of breathing this air.  It must have billions of tiny harmless dangerous creatures and old bits of yourself floating around in it.

Food

For best results, don't eat at all.  Unfortunately, this is also flawed.  You'll have to occassionally take the risk of allowing something from the outside into your body; however, it is possible to keep yourself safe while doing so.  Here's how:

• Consider replacing your usual cooking oil with your favorite disinfectant, scented appropriately for the food.  I have found that strawberry scented disinfectant serves quite well for frying pancakes and similar foods, and adds a pleasant kick.
• Dishes should be disinfected periodically.  Daily should do the trick.  Actually, go ahead and install a disinfectant sprinkler system in your cabinets to save yourself the constant worry.
• There is no thirty, twenty, ten, five, three, two, one, or any second rule, ever.  As you well know from seeing travel agency adverts for Disinfectant World, any dropped object is immediately covered in large, swarming, insectoid microorganisms.  Your only course of action is to gingerly lift the object with thumb and forefinger, and carry it at arm's length to the trash bin (foot-operated), drop it in, and coat it with a healthy dose of disinfectant.  For added security against the large, swarming, insectoid microbes, put an overly disgusted look on your face.  They're afraid of disgust and may revert to their natural state (they multiply greatly in size upon contact with your food and commonly used objects).
• Cover food on your fork with your hand so that particularly sneaky germs don't slip into your food en route to your mouth.

Household Objects

Now that we've covered germs getting in you, let's go over them getting on you.  This is just as bad, in fact, because what's on you can easily get in you, because you are stupid and clumsy and inadvertently give yourself zillions of tiny cuts every day.  Before you do anything else, install an automatic disinfectant sprayer in your shower, and turn it on while you're bathing to ensure that you are not contaminated.  Consider replacing your aftershave or perfume with a (wo)manly scented disinfectant.

Common household objects are, of course, always teeming with massive, disgusting creatures lying in wait for your (or your child's!) hand, ready at any moment to leap onto you and wreak havoc with your vulnerable body.  The telephone, remote controls, doorknobs, and countertops are especially suspect (because you, no doubt, like to prepare red meat on your bare counter).  If you can find a circular holster for a can of disinfectant, wear one, and thoroughly spray common household objects before touching them.  Watch your children.  If they're coming in from outside (where they should never be anyway), douse them and their path with disinfectant, and make sure to intercept their route to anything they look like they're about to touch with a healthy coating of the stuff.  You can never be too safe.

The Bathroom

No less than a hazmat suit.

How to Get the Hell Out of Disinfectant World

Before long you'll become horribly tired of paranoia and perfectionism, worrying about the giant green mutant insectoid bacterium that you just know is lurking around the next corner, and wonder how you might leave Disinfectant World.  It's easy, but requires a leap of faith.  Take off your hazmat suit, breathing apparatus, surgical mask, and other such protective gear, and go outside.  Now roll around in the dirt.  Scrape your knee if you can.  Now brush it clean, take in a lungful of outside air, then go inside and cook something.  Don't wash your hands first.  Give your children the same treatment.  Now observe that you're all just fucking fine.

Or, at least, you would be if you had allowed your immune system to properly develop.  Sucks to be you.

And stop paying attention to damn Lysol commercials.  That's how you got here in the first place.

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