The Ten Commandments of Tech Support

As dictated by Our Lord Roy Trenneman.

Thou shalt think for thyself.

You have a functioning brain. It doesn't stop working when you call tech support. Despite the adage, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Examples include whether to press the only button at the bottom of a form after filling it out. The general preference is that you not run ahead, but some of this stuff just doesn't require great feats of the mind, you know?

Thou shalt speak clearly, concisely, and completely.

I have my phone turned all the way up. If I can't hear you, it's not my fault. Maybe it isn't your fault either, but in any case, don't get snippy with me when I ask you to repeat yourself. We're both just trying to get a problem fixed and that won't help.

There is no need to read everything on the screen unsolicited, especially when I can already see it myself. This applies doubly to instructions. Don't read them to me, just follow them.

Don't tell me only part of something. I need the entire error message, result, list, etc. "Blah, blah, blah" is not an acceptable summary.

Thou shalt keep thy technician updated.

If we're doing phone support, and I'm walking you through a procedure whose next step differs from what I say, don't just blunder on ahead. If the next step is to click button A and you only have button B, don't click button B instead and not tell me until I have no idea where you are anymore. This seriously happens. I need to know what's going on. If you receive mysterious, cryptic, and ominous error messages, don't ignore them. If you say that "an error popped up" and, when asked what it is, you say that you closed it, I will begin looking for ways to get rid of you.

Thou shalt leave thy technician alone to work.

Look, I know the point of remote support is that you don't have to take your computer anywhere or be there while I'm working on it, but if you're going to keep me on the phone the whole time, don't leave the computer and make me listen to you cook/chat/sleep/jerk off. Either stay here or go away and let me work.

Thou shalt not ask, "Didn't the last guy put that in the notes?"

Some people keep horrible ticket notes. Some things aren't noted because only you saw them happen. You don't know what's on the ticket notes, so stop asking "isn't that in the notes over there?" If it were, I wouldn't be asking you. The other possibility is that I'm asking you about something that changes a lot, so I can't expect it to be the same as it was before. In either case, sighing heavily changes nothing.

Thou shalt not run thy mouth.

Look, it's not that I don't care, but there's only so much I can keep in my head at once, and this isn't idle work. While you talk about your children, pets, weather, business, lack of technical knowledge, etc., and I pay attention because it might be important, I'm being distracted from Googling your issue and figuring out what to do about it. If you want this taken care of any time soon, please do shut up.

Honor thy technician, that thy computer may be long upon the Earth.

If you treat me respectfully, I'll do the same for you. If you treat me rudely, I'll adopt a deadpan voice and find convenient ways to avoid helping you. Despite everything said here, I do not necessarily have anything against you as a customer or person. I'm going to be kind, cheerful, empathetic, and resourceful, but if you are demanding, rude, and won't accept it when I can't do anything for you, I will not put forth any effort for you.

Thou shalt think before acting.

The best security is you. Stop downloading things you haven't researched. Stop blindly allowing every request that your firewall flags. If you are notified of suspicious activity or malware by your security software and allow it anyway, it is not my problem. It is not the AV manufacturer's problem. It's your fault and your problem, and if you're under warranty I will wish I didn't have to help you.

Thou shalt stop asking for a supervisor all the time.

I can do a lot more than you think I can. In the sort of companies I work for, I'm the only guy who's actually supposed to talk to you. I know almost everything and can do almost anything that you are likely to need. If you need a supervisor, I'll tell you. Otherwise, all you're getting is the guy who gets paid an extra dollar an hour to babysit me and tell you no when you won't listen to me. Asking for a supervisor because you think I don't know what I'm talking about is insulting, and makes me wonder why you bothered calling. Asking for a supervisor the moment I answer the phone is twice insulting. Sure, you can talk to my supervisor, but you aren't going to get anything more out of him than you would have from me.

Thou shalt not breathe loudly into the mouthpiece of thy telephone.

Come on, really. And I can't even say anything about it because it's literally impossible to handle that without upsetting people.