Jack.is » Tech support » Orders

The General Orders of the Tech Support Customer

To think for myself and avoid asking stupid questions.

You have a functioning brain. It does not shut off when you call tech support. When there is only one thing to do, one button to press, do not ask what to do, then ask for verification. It is not that painstakingly sensitive. Do not ask whether you should fill in each field in a form. Do not ask whether you should press the only button that is at the bottom of the form. When we have clicked a link to download a file, clicked Run, and clicked Run again, do not ask whether we should click Continue or Cancel on the UAC prompt. This does not require great feats of the mind.

To speak clearly, concisely, and completely.

I have my phone turned all the way up. If I can't hear you it's because yours is turned way down or you suck at positioning the microphone. Or you're mumbling. That's worse. If I have to ask you to speak up more than twice, you should realise something is wrong and actually change things, not speak slightly more loudly and ignore my requests to repeat yourself because I can't hear you.

Stop mumbling. I can't understand. Please be bothered to pronounce at least the majority of the letters in each word. Again, if I have to keep asking. . . .

Stop rambling. I don't care. Maybe I do. But you, as a tech support customer, may well have violated one of these General Orders, at which point I decided I don't like you, and don't want to hear about your children, pets, weather, or how much time you've spent failing to fix your technical issues. Of course I can't say this to you when you're doing it. But, hear all that "Mhmm" and "Oh wow"? I do that the entire time because you're almost always saying something I don't especially care about.

Don't tell me only part of something. I need the entire error message, result, list, etc. "Blah, blah, blah" is not an acceptable substitute for a large chunk of what I need to hear. Especially BSOD stop codes. And instructions I can't see. Especially instructions. Why aren't you following them instead of reading them to me?

To report all deviation from procedures I am instructed to follow.

If we're doing phone support, and I'm walking you through a procedure whose next step differs from what I say, don't just blunder on ahead. If the next step is to click button A and you only have button B, don't click button B instead and not tell me until I have no idea where you are anymore. This seriously happens. I need to know what's going on.

To repeat all errors more distant from the technician than myself.

If we're doing phone support, and you receive mysterious, cryptic, and ominous error messages, don't ignore them. Don't read only an arbitrary bit of the error message to me, as stated above. I need the whole thing so I can understand what just happened. Don't say "Oh an error popped up" and say you closed it when I ask what it is. I will shift-del your shit.

To quit my computer only when properly relieved.

I don't know what you're thinking when you do this, but don't leave the computer to cook, visit, chat, screw, etc. You might have picked a better time to call. If you do this to me and make me listen to your business on the phone, I will find more reasons to pull you back to the computer. I will neglect to get your password and I will reboot twice as often as necessary, then make you come log in. I will find more forms for you to fill out. And forms -- if you don't leave the computer, and we've decided not to stay on the phone together, don't sit there staring at a form I've put on screen for you to fill out until I have to call and tell you to fill it out. This seriously happens. No, really.

To receive, obey, and pass on to the technician to whom I speak next all instructions and information from previous technicians and interim developments.

Some people keep horrible ticket notes. Some things aren't noted because only you saw them happen. You don't know what's on the ticket notes. So summarise the situation and tell me where the last tech left off. Tell me what's happened in the meantime. I need to know what's going on. If you ask me "But isn't that in the notes?" one more time I will track you down and murder you. I have your billing address.

To talk about nothing except in the line of tech support.

Again, I most likely don't care about your children, pets, weather, business, lack of technical knowledge, etc., unless I'm in an especially good mood. While you run your mouth and I pay a bit of attention because it might be important, valuable processing time is being taken away from the part of my brain that Googles your tech issue and figures out what happened. If you want this taken care of any time soon, please do shut up.

To give the alarm in case of crash or confusion.

This one's easy. If the computer BSoDs, application hangs, or you don't know what you're doing anymore, tell me. I need to know what's going on.

To query the technician in any case not covered by instructions.

Again, don't know what you're doing? Ask. Don't choose whatever catches your eye and not mention what happened until neither of us have any idea what's happening anymore.

To be respectful to technicians and all customer service representatives.

If you treat me respectfully, I'll do the same for you. If you treat me rudely, I'll adopt a deadpan voice and find convenient ways to avoid helping you while imagining your painful death. Because I can't tell you what you are. I like my job. Despite everything said here, I do not necessarily have anything against you as a customer or person. I'm going to be kind, cheerful, empathetic, and resourceful, but if you are demanding, rude, and won't accept it when I can't do anything for you, I will not put forth any effort for you.

To be especially watchful online, and, during the time for surfing, to challenge all processes on or near my host and to allow nothing to execute without proper authority.

The best security is you. Stop downloading things you haven't researched. Stop blindly allowing every request that your firewall flags. If you are notified of suspicious activity or malware by your security software and allow it anyway, it is not my problem. It is not the AV manufacturer's problem. It's your fault and your problem, and if you're under warranty I will wish I didn't have to help you.

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