Customer Terms

Customers have a special jargon of their own. I wrote the beginnings of this page as a reply to a post on customerssuck.com forum:

Upgrades vs. updates. Techies, help me out here -- it's pretty standard for changes within a version number (e.g. 6.4 to 6.5) to be called 'updates' and to be free for the customer, while changes from one major version to another (6.x to 7.x) are upgrades and involve buying a new program or a patch. Yes?

I told a customer to 'update' his software and sent him to the page that says 'choose your program from this list to receive your update'. What did he do? Clicked 'Upgrades' on the top banner and then barked at me that he didn't want to have to pay for a fix.

Download vs. install. Downloading means getting the data on your computer. Installing means setting it up so that it will work. Some customers don't know the difference and will use the terms interchangeably. Some think that once you've downloaded something that's all you have to do. 'I downloaded the update and it didn't do anything!' Did you install it? 'Um... I'll call you back.'

Downloading is like buying a toilet and bringing it into your house in a box. Installing means sealing it down with wax and hooking it up to the water supply so that it can be used.

Anyone got any more?

I get download/install all the time. "I bought Ay Gee Vee but it wouldn't download" and I come to find that they've run the installer and it failed for some reason, or they got stuck, etc.

I really like the ones who picked up bits of semi-knowledge and try to talk like they know the inner works of the support company. In theory (their minds) they sound savvy and have some sort of insider status. In practice, they use different terms than we do and end up sounding a bit funny (case number instead of ticket number).

These types also like to ask for confirmation numbers for everything. Return a work order because we can't help. Can I have a confirmation number? No. We don't have a confirmation number anyway. What would you even do with one? Call us later to give it to us so we can tell you we really did void the transaction? We can pull up the ticket and see that if you ever did such an odd thing. I never did understand the point of a special confirmation number just for one action. I imagine that when I get one I really get a ticket ID and the rep has decided to use customer-friendly terms.

They also tend to want my full name and "number". Now, I've only worked for this one IT company, so I don't know what most do, but I don't give customers my last name no matter how much they ask and it hasn't come back to bite me yet. The first time one asked for my "number" (for entertainment value: an indignant black woman asking for a return) I asked the sup which of various numbers I should give her and he said that no one is a number here. <3 Must have sounded odd to the customer when I said I don't have a number, considering she must have called manufacturer support before and always heard "HI THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR CALLING my name is Steve Clone and my ID is UID10TFUfgsfds what can I do ya fer?" Here we can still pull up a ticket and determine using an alphabetical username who worked it. We haven't become immense yet. ;)

Internet/$Protocol/Browser

OS/Computer manufacturer

"Hook up" means anything remotely related to installing, connecting, or activating anything that might have something to do with computers.

Today, I had a woman refer to a tilde as a cedilla. At least she had the right idea. Unfortunately, she thought that seeing it in a file name meant that she had an "infected file". Goodbye, hope for the day.

"Virus" means all malware.

"Turn on" means anything from powering on to reaching the desktop.

"Reboot" means to reinstall the OS.

"Crash" means any malfunction causing the computer to fail in some vital software aspect. This usually leads to a "reboot".

"Break" means hardware failure. I guess we'll give them this one.

"Thing" means whatever I should automagically know they mean.

"Doesn't work" makes a perfectly valid substitute for whatever description of the issue I should have already read from SC's mind.

In one case, the monitor meant the computer, the computer meant the modem, and it took a while to figure out why SC reported the screen going immediately blank when I had her turn off the computer using the power button.

In another case, the modem meant the router and the router meant "the antenna", and it took another while to figure out why SC didn't understand why I told him to elevate the router above obstructions to get a better signal across the house.

I'll post more if I think of any.

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